if i could be exactly what i wanted to be, i'd have curly hair so that i could wear it in dreds. i wouldn't be so goddamn lazy and i'd be more idealogical and informed and assertive. i'd really like to have social skills. i've found that going through your life completely terrified of other people doesn't lend itself to a lot of positive relationships or a very healthy state of mind. and i would be able to play the guitar really well and sing and write decent poetry that is never pathetic and that people actually want to read. i'd publics a book full of haiku. and, as horridly shallow as my last ideals are, i'd be a size 8 with smaller hips and not addicted to candy and have clear skin. i know that's the epitome of all things absolutely pathetic, but i can't help it. my worst fear is having an ass like my next door neighbor's. then i'd have to resort to dating trashy mullet lesbians who listen to country music. [shudder]

maybe i need to set goals for myself and when (or if) i actually achieve them, i can feel better about myself.

goal #1: ease off all of the candy

i had a twix with lunch, a handful of hershey kisses and a fun size o henry during work, a snickers on my break and a handful of m&m's when i got home. and that's a pretty accurate example of my daily candy consumption, not to mention cake or ice cream on the side. and i'm not concerned because i think that i'm fat, but it can't be healthy. and i may be able to maintain an average weight at 17, but i will definitely need to rethink my eating habits before i have my first kid or turn thirty (whichever happens first).

goal #2: try to stop acting like my friends

if i don't understand why i even associate with them, i probably shouldn't be doing and talking about the same stupid shit that they do.

goal #3: talk to other people. be friendly.

i've been told on more than one occasion that when i'm not smiling i look like an absolute bitch. people who don't know me think that i'm cold and intimidating, which is good in some respects, but often scares away the wrong people. and i don't know how i ever expect to convince some girl to be my sweet lady if i never talk to her. my socio-phobic nature, combined with her good christian upbringing and class president status, is the concrete wall that lies between bridget and i.

goal #4: write more

i hate people who waste their talent and i'm guilty of it more often than anyone else i know. besides, it's not like i do anything else.

goal #5: i don't know. i just feel like five goals is a really good, well-rounded number to have.

ughh. i don't know why i even bother. . .

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