*she is so pure and angelic looking with her perfect nazi blond hair and blue eyes

*a ella le gusta hablar conmigo en espanol

*she, too, thinks that kyle is the most disgusting creature to ever walk the face of the earth and heaves at the thought of him in the act of phone sex (which he paid for with his parent's credit card, the fuckin idiot)

*she never says naughty words

*she loves hispanic men

*her family listens to christian radio in the car

*sometimes she spills coffee on herself

*she enjoys looking at the underwear models in the international male catalog along with ted

*she always wears maryjane's

*she told me she wants us to smoke pot together when we go to college (so cute and innocent)

*she told our entire lit class that i give her life meaning

*she writes me the greatest notes

*she loves to make fun of other people just as much as i do

this is the part where i contradict earlier entries where i said that all of my friends were apathetic and that i didn't really like them because it's not true. i really love most of them (especially rebecca) in fact, i think that the only one of my friends that honestly annoys me beyond me ability to maintain sanity is cedar who, bear in mind, is theoretically my best friend.

i'm not sure how one could "theoretically" be another's best friend but that is the only word that i can come up with that describes how i feel about our friendship

if i had to pick one lyric to sum up my relationship with cedar it would definately be from ani d's song "dilate":

"you are so lame. you always disappoint me. it's kinda like our running joke but, you know, it's really not funny."

because that's exactly how i feel about her: disappointed. i love cedar to death but goddamn. i don't feel like i get anything from her. she won't communicate. she won't show any emotion. she won't listen to what i'm really saying. she has to try and act like all of the people that she'll never be. i could go on but i think that those are the most important things so we'll just leave it at that. but i'm so frustrated with her right now . . .

on a completely different note, i helped out a most yummy lady at work the other day so now i'm dealing with one of my zero-self-confidence/painfully-lonely episodes. my one life goal is to end up with someone that i admire and can have a healthy very long term relationship with. but thus far, all i have are these uberpathetic hot chick sightings that i cling to and cherish as if some girl buying a dvd player actually gives a fuck about the stupid hag (that would be me if you weren't following)that sold the fuckin thing to her. am i repulsive? do i smell or something? believe me, this isn't the first time that i've asked and every time i do, i get the same lame answers meant to boost my self-esteem. but i think that people just tell me that i'm not repulsive because they think that it's what i want to hear. but in reality, i really just want someone to tell me that i'm ugly and disgusting and not worth anyone's time. i'm not sure what i would do upon hearing something like that because i can't imagine that it would enhance my life at all, but right now i feel like there would be some sort of bizarre weight lifted off of my shoulders if someone told me straightup that i was worthless.

i obviously have serious issues with masochism.

but this girl was seriously gorgeous with her short short auburn hair kind of flipped up in the front and her boy jeans and her hoodie and the labret piercing and the cliche central wisconsin dyke earrings (the silver hoops with the smaller rainbow colored hoops. i swear, every dyke i've met in this town has those goddamn earrings, including me) and she had her wallet in her back pocket always does me in. everytime i see chick pull a wallet out of their back pocket, it makes me wanna cum (except in the case of cedar, although her wallet is a definite improvement over the typical girly purse that she carried before realizing that it was an awkward contradiction to her overall butch aura) i don't know what it is about the wallet but . . .

and boy jeans. i love girls in boy jeans.

and the other thing about her that i always love in women is when they have the adolescent boy clothes and the haircut and the shoes and kind of a boyish body but they have a really gorgeous, feminine faces. she had absolutley gorgeous eyes.

see what i mean about clinging to things? here i am, recalling every detail of my five minute encounter with this chick who knows nothing more about me than the fact that i work the trashiest retail establishment in the world.

but i never claimed to be anything less than a loser

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