Cedar wrote me an email that she apologized for ahead of time because she thought it was bad or something and so I thought that she was going to tell me that she hates me. But it was about how she thought she was over me but now she falls in love with me every other week and she just can't help it. She said they were beautiful feelings even though she knew she could never have me. She also said that I was the most important person in her life and that I was helping her to learn how to be close to people, or something to that effect. Que the guilt trip. I wrote her back saying that she is really important to me, and that it's probably better for her to love me without having me because if we were together I'd treat her like shit. And when I wrote that, I don't know where it came from, but I really think it's true. Last year when I went through the Cedar-is-in-love-with-me crisis, I kept telling myself and everyone else that I didn't want to be with her because she just wasn't the kind of person that I wanted to be my girlfriend. But now I think that it's me. What if I am simply incapable of really loving other people? If Cedar is my best friend, then why do I always get so annoyed with her? And I have thought a lot about potentially being with Cedar, and on some levels, I would really like to be with her. But I don't love her. I can't love her. And if I tried, I really would treat her like shit. I feel like I treat her like shit right now as it is. But I don't like to think about me treating another person that means a lot to me like shit. I don't want to think that I am the kind of person that is capable of doing something like that. But I am. So is it that you just don't get to choose who you love, love just happens, or is it that I am just incapable of loving another person? And if I am incapable of loving, is it because of something that I can work out and change, or is this just an engrained personality flaw that's built into my DNA that just makes me repulsive to others.

Fuck me. I don't think I can deal with this. Please tell me that there are others who have wondered whether or not they are incapable of love. I don't want to be the only one.

Have I ever mentioned how irritated I am by gay pride? Because I am. And now Cedar has decided that for the sake of solidarity, Cassie and Molly must eat lunch with us every day (they're the sophomore lesbian couple that we all liked to look at but never really wanted to talk to). They're like eating with my younger sister, but a lot more of that googly high school love shit and not nearly as amusing. So really it's not like hanging out with my sister at all because I would enjoy that. But they're pretty immature and they act like they're above our group dynamic. If you don't want to laugh at Karl (the ultimate flamer)and Kim (neurotic to an extreme) humping each other in the hall and if you shudder when Megan and I talk about masturbation and 80's style, go to hell and eat in your own corner of the hall. And I could beat them both when they turn and whisper to each other and then they make out, which I am no more willing to watch while I am trying to eat my salad and discuss documentary films if it's a lesbian couple than if it were a straight couple. Show some restraint. A little peck. Great. Wanna cuddle a little. I don't really care. But take your sex elsewhere. Not to mention that they both mix plaids and that they each where enough gay pride paraphenilia to outfit all of San Francisco (that might be an exaggeration). Shoelaces, bracelets, bumper stickers, earrings. It drives me insane. Sometimes I think that I don't make a very good lesbian. Whatever.

I myself wear the cliche central Wisconsin lesbian earrings (I believe I have explained exactly what these are in a previous entry), but not multiple pairs like Cassie and Molly. I also have a little bracelet that I wear when I go through those hey-I'm-a-dyke-and-I-should-be-political-about-it phases, but I get annoyed with it after awhile. My thing is that, bracelet or no bracelet, the vast majority of people don't assume that I am a lesbian, and I'm usually not very good about letting people in on it. 90% of the people that I associate with during the day need not let my sexuality enter their conciousness anyway. I much prefer to just be another anonymous face. But I always have trouble simply saying "I'm a lesbian" when those damned boyfriend conversations come up with coworkers and other students. So it almost feels contradictory to be flaunting rainbow fucking everything when I can't even get the word 'lesbian' to come out of my mouth. And I also just don't think that gay pride is very reflective of my personality. The way I dress definitely says something about me but it's not a premeditated statement. So why would I accessorize in the name of homosexuality? I already reflect my queerness in ways that are characteristic of me: Megan and I have a picture in our locker of the two girls kissing, a picture that not only makes a statement, but is beautiful and has definite artistic and erotic quality to it. A lot of my writing has blatant lesbian themes. I pretend I am with other girls to get a rise out of people. I devour gay literature. That shit is me. And that shit is queer as hell. So why do I keep bothering with this gay pride rainbow bullshit? I recognize and appreciate it's symbolism, as do I recognize and appreciate the gains that the gay rights movement has made, but I don't want rainbows all over my body. That's not me. I am not like Cassie and Molly.

They are going to spend all of their post high school years waiting for June to come around so that they can go to the gay pride festivals and spend every weekend in lesbian bars.

I could only survive a gay pride festival or a lesbian bar if I was: a) there to see a drag show or b) there with someone equally as sarcastic as myself and spent the entire time making fun of other people.

Like I said before, sometimes I don't think I make a very good lesbian.

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