I'm going insane. Dad asked me this weekend in the middle of a family dinner at Perkins if I thought that he should get a divorce. I am so fucking sick of being in this family. When I have to work, all I want is to be able to go home and when I am at home all I want to do is get drunk. Dad needs to get a fucking grip. Should he get a divorce? I've thought for a long time that he should. I've thought for a long time, and still think, that it would have done him some good to put a little more thought into the whole marriage thing in the first place. It hasn't ever been good, but I think that's because they don't really try. All that either one of them can see are their own problems, Mom projects everything onto Dad and Dad justs sits around feeling sorry for himself. If he asks me one more time if I think he's a fuck up or if he's ruined my life, I swear to God, I'll have to beat him to the ground. He makes me so goddamn mad. I understand his self-torturing thoughts since it's apparently a genetic personality trait, but at least I fucking do something about my shit. I hate it when he disappoints me.

On a less unpleasant note, Bridget came and talked to us for awhile during lunch today. She was wearing her plaid pants and her fish shirt and her little pink Chuck Taylor's. Cutest body in the world. So tempting to just reach out and grab at the belt loop of her pants. (I have a semi-weird obsession with girl bellies. Whatever.) She's the Panther of the Week which is the esteemed school award given to the best our school's athletes. I saw her picture on the appointed Panther of the Week wall and kind of grimaced at the thought. But today she told us that she thought it was kind of funny that she got to be the Panther of the Week since all she ever did was sit on the bench. She even has a countdown going: 25 days until basketball is over. It wouldn't surprise me if she was still in basketball because of parental pressure. She seems like she might come from that kind of family. Which also might explain her daunting church involvement. I realize these things aren't always voluntary. I'm still afraid of her. She drove past me in her truck the other day and made the effort to first cut off the conversation with her friend and then turn all the way around at the risk of hitting another car so that she could wave to me. I know I make it seem like it was a far more significant event than it really was. But I have that kind of personality. And then I was pumping my gas one day and I was rubbing my ass on Kim's window (she didn't even look because she was doing a goddamn crossword puzzle) and then Bridget pulled up next to the pump next to us. I almost got embarrassed, but then I said fuck it and kept rubbing my ass on the window. If I were social, that gas pumping moment would have been a great time to strike up a little conversation. But I didn't. I didn't even reply when she said 'hi' to me. I just waved. She probably thinks I hate her, but I think I wanna touch her. I'm just intimidated and shy and she kind of makes me feel repulsive. Not just her, attractive women in general. And it's not even that Bridget is a supermodel or anything. I'd say to the non-biased onlooker that she seems pretty average. And I know that I don't smell and that I'm clean and that I'm not disfigured or anything. But I guess I just feel bad about myself because I'm curvy and my hair's not special and because my black-clad moody poet look seems stupid next to her fun little punk self. And then, of course, I start acting really stupid when she's around. Or any other pretty lady for that matter. I start talking loud and I really start trashing myself and as I see Cedar being successfully social, I start to trash Cedar.

I've just recently realized that I have a really jealous personality. When Dad has to go away for work, I get really upset because I think that he should be at home for me and not off trying to save some other idiot's kid. When Cedar spends more time with our other friends, I get kind of pissed off. And when Cedar hangs out with Bridget when I'm not there, it really irritates me. I'm such an idiot.

But, back to my original Bridget idea, today was kind of cool because she was talking to me personally (and not just Cedar, which is usually the case) and she walked with me for a little bit and, it's not really a big deal but it feels like it because I love her.

So pathetic so pathetic so pathetic

I wanna be cool tall vulnerable and lucious/ I would have it all if I only had this much

-liz phair

*the title for this one is from a Bikini Kill song. Just wanted to give credit where credit was due.

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