cedar told me today that she had a dream that i was really pissed and screaming at her and it just made her "so confused" and she just thought the whole thing was "really scary" and she felt "sad" until she woke up, realized it was a dream and felt "happy again." (all four of her emotions included in one story. impressive. usually she can only manage one at a time.) i didn't tell her that i feel like screaming at her everyday.

i've realized that even though cedar and i were never "together," we were almost exclusive in our friendship, and then you add in the sexual tension, and i feel like i've been in a relationship with her. and i've had it. i want out. but she doesn't. it would be far too convenient for her to share my opinion.

she asked me the other day if i would go to the ceremony when she graduated from bootcamp which means that i would have to sacrifice a lot of time and money to fly out to new jersey with her family which i think is asking an awful lot. i don't even answer my phone when she calls and she thinks i want to go to her graduation? jesus christ. i'm trying to get my adult life rolling (which is a pretty big fucking deal) and that includes trying to come up with some $16,000 a year to pay my goddamn tuition and she wants me to be there because she's "gonna be so buff [growl}" i loathe the word "buff." what am i doing wrong in trying to send out my leave-me-alone vibes?

oh yeah, i remember where i am fucking up. i'm using her as a sort of crutch because i'm a social idiot and can't do anything by myself and she's the only one who never has anything to do. we're going to see hamell on trial together because i told her i wanted her to go but i don't really want to go with her. my goal in this relationship was to simply wait it out until graduation came and i left and she left and then we'd just stop talking. but she's going to keep calling me. i can feel it and i'm already annoyed.

grow some ovaries, anna, just tell her she's an idiot and you want to strangle her every other time she opens her mouth.

no, inner-self, no, i can't. i'm too weak. i can only be mean to people when they don't know.

she has started using the word 'uber' which really irritates me because a) that's my fucking word and b) she's uses it incorrectly. uber was only meant to modify certain, carefully selected adjectives and she apparently doesn't understand that.

i'm sick of talking about her.

i walked bridget to her eighth hour class which made me feel really stupid because i was planning to go to the library but i wanted to talk to her more so i walked all the way around the library with her to her class. and at that point i had to turn around and walk all the back. what a fucking dork. she makes me stupid.

"who am i that i should be vying for your touch?" -ani d. from untouchable face

i'm still sick of talking about cedar, but since she interrupted my thought pattern . . . she's decided that she is going to get bridget to hang out with us sometime and acts like she's doing me a big fucking favor and it really pisses me off because i have assumed ownership of all bridget-related fantasies and possibilities and she does not respect that. i want to kill her with every lame conversation attempt that cedar makes. especially when she talks about gay stuff. and i really hate it when she tries to discuss bridget's sexuality with me because that's bridget's, not mine. and i don't really care what kind of genitalia she prefers. as long as she is within my sight on a day to day basis, i will be obsessed with her. and if i had to spend a considerable amount of time with cedar and bridget, i'd go insane. everything that i want to do with bridget (watching indie flicks while cuddling on the couch, napping together on rainy saturday afternoons, late night grocery shopping, sunday morning coffee) don't include cedar. ever. i want my every interaction with bridget to be soft, sweet, smooth . . . no stuttering. cedar just doesn't fit. but of course i couldn't just let cedar hang out with bridget without me there because i must assert my rightful ownership and offer up my protection.

sometimes i am really curious to know just how creeped out bridget would be if she knew exactly what i thought about her. i also want to know how trashy she thinks i am because she definitely makes me feel trashy. i really need to start making an effort to be a little more pleasant when she's around because sometimes i think i come across as being a little scary.

you're such a psycho-freak, anna.

i know, inner-self, i know.

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