just fucking charming

2003-02-10
3:54 p.m.

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Sleep was ultimately more important - 2005-12-22
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i will never understand her. she is being particularly weird today. weird to the point where ruby and megan even noticed. she started freaking out during our writing class because (i found out about this via ruby) she didn't want me to read her vignette because it had something to do with me and she was afraid of how it would make her feel. and i did actually read it before i knew that she hadn't wanted me to, and it was really beautiful. she wrote about her current feelings and the things she wants in the future in terms of buildings. and one of the first buildings that she wrote about was a lavender victorian house that she had built for someone else (me, if you weren't following) and she wrote about standing on the porch and ceaselessly knocking on the door even though she knew no one would answer. and i loved it. it was her heart laid bare in front of me and that's all i've been asking for all along. but she's afraid to give me any of her emotions and so i have to read them abstractly without looking her in the eye. but then, i suppose i'd never dare to tell her what i think about us.

it probably didn't help when i yelled at her in class although surface level it was meant to be a joke. she told me that she called bridget this weekend and asked her if she wanted to go snowboarding (fortunately bridget already had other plans) so i yelled at cedar, saying that bridget could have been killed and that would have been horrible and that because i love her we all have to protect her. (notice that i didn't mention whether or not i cared about cedar's physical well-being) but what i was really saying, although i'm sure cedar didn't pick up on this, was that i was pissed because bridget was mine and she was fucking with that. is it really too much to ask for her to just not touch her, to just let bridget be pristine and distant?

bridget hasn't come to sit with us during lunch for two days and it breaks my heart.

ruby thinks that cedar is jealous of the way i feel about bridget and i wouldn't doubt it. everytime i talk about bridget with cedar (which is something i avoid) all cedar ever says is "she's straight" which is a lot different from her plan to get bridget to come out prior to knowing that my only desire was the angelic thrift store princess. and that was even cedar's response to my rant about the snowboarding invitation. "give it up, anna. she's straight." yeah, and i'm a lesbian with a list of men that she'd fuck in a minute (although i'd definitely want to get pregnant as a result. i must take advantage of all available sperm. my fertile days are numbered.) the point is, that i don't really give a fuck who or what the hell bridget loves. all that matters is that i love her. my obsession has no criteria. sexual orientation is trivial.

cedar kept leaving during lunch and she left at the end of writing and she started crying during her holocaust class (which i heard about from megan) and then she came into the library half way through eighth hour when she was supposed to be in us-asia to tell me that she wanted to leave early (she had to drive me home because my car was getting fixed.)

it's just stressful. i just want this relationship to be done with.

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