apparently i have begun an online diary mania amongst some of my friends which is always nice because i love to have partners in crime (especially kim because she's sooooooooo hawt)

the other bad thing about getting another diary page is that it felt like a complete cop out. it was me moving my brain to another domain where it was hidden from the right people again and that's ridiculous. every journal comes with a disclaimer that need not be spelled out. You're reading part of a person's brain, you've jumped onto the waves of their thought process, you're trying to navigate their world before they've even got it figured out. i don't have figured out. i'm messy. i say stuff that's blunt and momentary. take it for what it is and don't make it what it isn't.

and it would be stupid for me to go out of my way to hide something that is obviously voyeuristic. there was a part of me that wanted cedar to know that sometimes, she drives me fucking crazy. it's bad kharma, if you will. my subconcious wanted this brought down upon me. i flirted with the possibility. i knew it was inevitable. and i got what i asked for. and it sucked. but i make a good masochist.

"here i am waving the red cape, locking eyes with the bull"

throw in an ani d. quote (from "imagine that") for good measure

i'm sorry that cedar was hurt because i love her and i hate to think that i am capable of doing something like that to her. but obviously i am. i'm not always a very nice person. i don't want to be the ultimate bitch. it's not a persona that i opt for because it makes my life easier. i'm a messy person and i'm still trying to get things figured out. and unfortunately i drag victims into my chaos. but doesn't everybody?

"i'm a hazardous blinking fragmented mess"

quote #2. bitch and animal from "scrap metal." i'm on a roll today.

so that's about all that i have to say tonight. besides the fact that i have a cold or a sinus infection or the beginning stages of bacterial meningitis or some such shit and so i am suffering from snotty nose and cough drop breath. so when i talk to bridget, not only do i have bad skin and stupidity working against me, but now i have to deal with the raspy congestion voice and the emphesema cough. it's disgusting.

although i am sure that there are some weird folk out there that would find crusty cold nose a turn on . . .

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