Soothe me, Carole, soothe me because the rest of the world hates me.

The only good part of my day was finding out the Cat has been released and is unharmed. Reading that she thinks that Brett is "as queer as a three dollar bill" was the only thing that made me smile all day long.

I should have known that the day was going to be shit when I woke up at 2:30 this afternoon to find out that today was an unnecessary snow day. Apparently we're getting 6 to 8 inches of snow tonight. Happy fucking April.

"snow is cold, rain is wet, chills my soul to the marrow . . ."

I should have never even waken up.

That aside, my major trauma for the day is that I cannot go to Madison this fall. My dad gave me this thing about how we needed to sit down and talk about our "options" some time tomorrow and I'm not one to wait. So he gave me all this shit about if I wanted to go, I could but that it would take some "heroic measures." And what it comes down to is that if I want to go to Madison, my parents have to take out a loan that will prevent them from being able to help my two sisters out at all when they start school in three years. Yeah, it was a bit of an unintentional guilt trip on my father's part. And if my cunt of a biological mother were unwilling to contribute anything it was completely out of the picture. But my dad kept going on about how it would be tough but we could do it "if I really, really wanted to." Which meant that I had to be the one to say I'm not going. And that makes me hate my dad right now. If I can't, then just fucking say it. Don't make me tell you. I'm fucking livid about the whole thing, largely because I should have known that it wouldn't work out. But I was stupid enough to believe that I might be able to do what I really wanted to. I hate money and all the people who fucking have it. Go to hell. You have no idea what you have.

What really pisses me off is that I know that three years from now when Kayla (my sister who lives with the cunt) goes to school, if she wants to go to Madison, she'll sure as hell be able to because my mother only has to take care of two kids. And she'll still ask for my dad for money and he won't say no. Fuck her.

I'm a good person. I've never asked for a lot. And the more that I think about, I realize that I probably don't ask because the wiser part of me knows that I can't have what I want.

Dad told me that he's sick over the whole thing and hasn't been sleeping, which just means that he knows there's no fucking way we can afford it. And I know he feels like an inadequete supporter so I now feel obligated to reassure him. But when you get down to it, the reason that I can't go to Madison is my family.

"winter, spring, summer or fall, all you have to do is call . . ."

There are six kids (two more with the cunt) living in this house and that's expensive. Diapers, formula, daycare, new clothes every season because at any given moment two or three people are going through a growth spurt, grocery bills, shit for school, two with braces, two with glasses, two on prescription allergy medicines, one with asthma, somebady always needs to go to the doctor. On paper, we've got plenty of money but it's sure as hell not being thrown around. And we sure as hell don't have ten thousand a year to throw at a university. Dad even said to me "If we only had two kids . . ." Yeah, but we don't. And nobody really gives a fuck about that, do they?

He kept saying things like "Stevens Point is a really great school and you graduate with so much debt." Shut the hell up. I know all of that bullshit. Can't you just let me devastated for a little while?

It was his birthday today and I feel bad for crying all afternoon about it and making him feel guilty.

So now I have no fucking idea about what I'm going to do except that I'm looking for a new job starting now because I'm staying at Kmart for the next five years. And I'm also on a mission to find a roommate because I will kill someone if I have to deal with these people every waking hour for much longer.

Madison probably wouldn't have been that great anyway.

That's what I'm telling myself from now on so that I don't feel so bad about being screwed over by the system.

"when my soul was in the lost and found . . ."

If you couldn't tell, I've picked Tapestry as my soundtrack for this moment.

I feel so bad right now I can't even make fun of myself. I should just go to bed.

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