I was almost over the trauma (or thought I was) until I came home from work. I figured that I could make it my mission to find a roommate or two and a better job and then my life wouldn't be too bad. If I finished my undergrad here, then I would be able to go ahead and get my graduate degree right away and I could go to Madison for that. But then my dad starts laying out all of his elaborate plans to get me to Madison and instead of feeling like there's hope, I'm just pissed off. I'm not much of a fighter. I give up and I move on. And at this point, I've pretty much given up so I don't see the purpose in pushing the issue. It will only make me feel guilty for being a financial burden and result in futher disappointment.

I don't know I want anymore. I don't think I ever really did. Having things figured out was just an act that I put on for a little while.

I do know that I do not want to be here (here being this house). I love my family more than anything but goddamn. They will not leave me alone and to be left alone is what I need. Dad keeps telling me that if I stay at home, he has no intention of being restrictive, I can come and go as I please. And I know that I'll be allowed to do that. But as long as I am here, I will still feel guilty for not going to church, I will still have to endure family dinners, the three-year will still come into my room whenever she wants and scribble on my poems, I will still have to entertain Erica, everyone will still want to know where I'm going and what I'm doing. I hate them right now and I'm not sure how much longer I can stand to live with them. They're just so fucking clingy. Leave me alone.

I can't do much more at Kmart either. Yet another eight and a half hours spent popping No Doz, dealing with pissy employees and sending telepathic "suck my dick" messages to crabby old people. The most interesting part of the day was definitely when the old lady shit on the floor in the main aisle. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure I'm dead before I'm so old and worn that I shit on the floor while I'm shopping.

And somebody tried to hook me up again. Michael (who has stopped taking his medication and is being incredibly disagreeable because of it) told me that Erica just broke up with her boyfriend and wants to start dating women now. And what do ya fucking know? She thinks I'm kind of cute. I hate being the resident lesbian. I'm not a fucking novelty. That aside, here are all the reasons I'd never even consider Erica:

*I don't have time to be anyone's lesbian experiment (except Bridget)

*She flips her hair out and wears blue eyeshadow

*After the above reason, it goes without saying that she's not butch enough for me. Hell she's not even a little tomboyish. She's girly and Anna doesn't play with girly girls.

*She's not even pretty.

*She dated the annoying four-foot tall Chris guy who always manages to get a nasty girlfriend. Do you think I want his leftovers?

I'm so fucking disgusted with my life right now . . .

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