Oh, have I mentioned the fact that I'm in love with a girl. But yet, I am straight, I'm as straight as they come, but this girl, wow she's amazing. She just, she brings out a different side of me, she makes me think, she makes me tick, she makes me feel good about myself. I feel like I'm allowed to express myself in ways I wish I could express myself in front of my other friends. I feel so much more alive when I'm with her; it's the strangest thing in the world. It makes me think I'm so crazy. I don't understand why I feel this way. Trust me, I have tried and tried to figure it out. I have played the situation over and over again in my head. Oh, this is that one secret that no one knows about. Except that girl, cuz well, she's obviously involved. Is it crazy? That I'm feeling this way I mean. I mean, I'm straight, why am I attracted to this girl. She intrigues me, she's so damn intriguing, and it's crazy. I don't know what to do about it. I mean, yeah I want to act on it, but every time I act on it I get freaked out, and then I feel as though I hurt her in some way. It's not cool. Not cool at all.

And if you didn't catch on, I am "that girl" and the whole thing was part of an email that Bridget sent me. And it made me cry because she has said some of the nicest things to me that I think anyone has ever said to me in my life. And she makes me feel good about myself; she's made me suspend my belief that I am a bad person. And she sees through my bullshit, too. She knows I'm not bitter, she knows I'm not negative, she knows that I really love the people around me, she knows that I really do give a shit about what goes on in my life.

I also cried because that little part was just a snippet of an 8 page rant addressed to no one in particular but sent to me. It was eight pages of pain that I have never seen her express before. She's so mellow and she comes across as if everything in her life is perfectly put together. I then I read about her breakdowns and feeling like she wanted to die and feeling like all she was capable of was fucking things up. And reading it, all I wanted to do was hold her.

I've not really known this girl for more than a year, and even at that we haven't spent much time together at all. And then I'm the one that she chooses to bare her soul to.

Now I have to respond, and nothing that I could say would be adequete. But I know that for the first time, I feel like I love her. And the love that I feel for her is as undefinable as the love that I feel for the other people in my life. It is its own. She has become such a unique part of my life, an incredibly significant part of my life. And I have never felt so comfortable, so affectionate or so connected with another person this quickly. Nor have I ever felt so respected and genuinely cared for. And I think that those things are what I've been waiting for.

I am not unloveable and I am not incapable of loving others.

And it may all sound so corny and cliche that you're laughing you're ass off, but I'm allowed that much in my own diary, and at this point, I've been too stripped down to care.

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