So it's 8:30 on a Saturday night and I am doing nothing. I have no plans. Since 3:00 this afternoon, I have been laying around my house in my pajamas napping and watching VH1. My family is at a little fourth of July weekend party thing with people from our church which I refused to go to. My mom doesn't understand why I wouldn't go since I didn't have to work and I had no other plans. But I don't want to spend time with my family and I don't want to spend time with anybody from the goddamn church. Makes perfect sense to me.

I had to go to a funeral today for a woman at my church who used to slap my ass all the time. My only reason for going was that I knew that I would feel like a bad person if I didn't go. And I did end up crying, not for the old lady, but because at one point during the service, I looked up at my dad behind the pulpit saying all of these exaggeratedly nice things about this woman and I began to wonder who the hell was going to be behind the pulpit when my dad died. Naturally, this led to a momentary freak out period. But I got over it and in the end, I still don't take death very seriously.

On Wednesday, I went over to the non-girlfriend's house (I think that's just how I'm going to refer to her now). And it was brought to my attention that I am not putting forth an equal effort in our non-relationship. And I know that this is true because I just kind of sit around and wait for her to initiate a lot of nothing. But she really wishes that I would initiate the nothing too.

I am completely passive because . . . I guess because I'm just lazy. And I would much prefer to sit around and wait and let things come to me instead of running around trying to get them for myself. I have serious issues with motivation. And when things don't come my way, I just do without. I let myself be the bitch and I know full well that I need to change this. And I think that in this situation with Bridget, I might actually find reason enough to pick my ass up and move a little farther from the passive extreme. So this has become my little self-improvement project of the moment. And my first real effort was to call Megan last night to see if she wanted to do anything. She was busy and the lack of success in my initiation was slightly disheartening.

I don't really know what the hell it is that Bridget wants me to do though. Because when she talks about me not doing anything, I feel like she's hinting at something very specific and I think that something is pretty big (big in terms of our non-relationship where everything small seems fucking huge to us). I think she's mentally straying from our non-relationship status and she's trying to pull me along to. And I'm not sure I really want this. And I can bullshit and say that she's leaving in two months and I'm not sure if she's worth being attached to as we both start school in two different states and all of that predictable, practical bullshit. But the truth is that I'm really just scared of being attached to anyone. Unlike most, I am not afraid to be alone. I'm afraid to be with anyone.

This sucks (for lack of a better word).

last - next