[insert said thoughts here]

Well I feel better.

Strike that. I feel like shit. Physically I feel like shit because it's day one of my period and my uterus is pulling some sort of twisted balloon animal stunt right now. And emotionally I feel like shit because of the two realizations that I came to today.

REALIZATION #1: My passive behavior is screwing up my non-relationship with Bridget (refer to yesterday's entry for more on this subject) much like my father's passive behavior has ruined both of his marriages and much of the rest of his life. That's a really great fucking parallel to draw, isn't it? But I guess that not wanting to end up like my dad and not wanting to have a horrible life provides all the more incentive to get my shit together, right? [growl]

REALIZATION #2: Anna fucked up big time. And now Anna needs to figuratively crawl back to her mommy and repent for having been a punk little shit. All the background that you need on this situation is that I more or less cut my mother off at some point in junior high and I don't know why the hell I did it. I had reasons back then but now I'm really glad that I've forgotten what the hell they were because if I had a list of them in front of me, I'd feel all the more like an ass. This realization stemmed from the "I'm sorry, I was doing the best that I could" letter that I got from her today. And that's absolutely valid. She was doing the best that she could even though she was screwing up a lot and that's all that anybody can do. That's what I'm doing right now. The best that I fucking can. And quite frankly, my best is somewhere very near shit. And who the hell does that make me to judge my mother. Nobody. So now I need to say I'm sorry. I am not looking forward to this because I am too proud for my own good (add that to my list of self-improvements). But at the same time, I AM looking forward to it because I miss my mom.

And in my time of feeling like shit I don't really have anyone to talk to because I keep forgetting to make friends. Damnit.

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