Because I couldn't be honest and open with Cedar, I ended up shoulder-deep in a cesspool of things that I never really should have said. And then once swimming through my own shit, I still wouldn't take responsibility. And now all that I ever do in regard to her is make fun of her for being an idiot when, in truth, I really don't know what the fuck is going on with her. And I think it's fair to say that she was responsible for some of the fucked-up-ness of the whole situation, but I think I was a larger contributer. Keep in mind that I still haven't apologized for any of this.

The other big one is, of course, my own mother who I stopped associating with because . . . I still don't know why. And now I haven't seen her in I don't know how many years even though I miss her. And what's worse is that I spent that period of time vilifying her without any reason at all. And now I've decided that I'm going to apologize and make things okay but I still haven't made it a point to get around to that. I'm a fucking idiot.

I've also stopped talking to my younger sister, Kayla, who lives with my mom. Kayla never comes to visit us and I feel like her lack on contact with our family is my fault because by not talking to my mom I've made it okay for her to be an angry little pubescent shit. And I love her and I wish I knew what was going on in her life because I want to be there for her and I want to help her get things figured out if I can, but I've never bothered to call her or anything like that.

I've even stopped writing to my grandma who lives in New York. And it's not because I don't like her or because I'm mad at her or because I don't have the time. I just don't. Lack of motivation, perhaps? God, this all makes me feel like shit.

And then there is Kim, which I would not at all consider a fucked up relationship. (Although, and I think that Kim would admit to this too, it is rather fucked up in it's own unique way and that's what makes our love for each other so charming.) But it is an example of how I really don't make any effort at all to maintain things with people. I love her to death but have I so much as called her at all this summer? No, because as was established before, I'm a fucking idiot.

And then when Ben calls instead of picking up the phone and just saying "Hey, I don't feel like hanging out tonight," or better yet, "Hey, I think you're kind of boring and we should just stop trying to be friends," I just delete his message and never bother to call him back. And then when he talks to me at work, I just make up lies about all the things that I'm not doing so that he won't ask me if I want to hang out. (Which makes me wonder, why the hell does he keep calling? His initial purpose in asking me to hang out was shot down immediately because Anna doesn't play with boys and now I won't even return his calls. You'd think he'd just give up.)

And then even when I'm feeling like I'm bored and lonely and might want to hang out with people that don't just annoy the hell out of me, I'm still to lazy to call Megan or Ruby.

I'm only eighteen and so far things are not looking good.

And now I'm already fucking things with Bridget up. Okay, so maybe I'm not really fucking them up and she certainly has never brought up my inadequecies in that tone. But there have been things like "Why don't you ever [fill in the blank]?" or "Why do I always have to be the one to [fill in the blank again]?" And it's really things with Bridget that have got me agonizing about this because this is the last thing that I want to fuck up.

Maybe for the benefit of society I should just give up and become a hermit.

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