You know, your classic, self-pitying sort of lonely. It's pathetic, really. And I am more or less ashamed to be in this state of mind, but what the fuck am I going to do about it?

I saw my parents for about fifteen minutes today during which nothing of import took place. Shallow talk, no hugs, little to no eye contact. And now it's not even ten and they're already in bed. Naturally, I want them to be awake and to pick up on my state of hopelessness. I want them to feel sorry for me and go out of their way to offer me some sort of comfort although all their efforts would be in vain.

Of course, the only thing that has me feeling lonely and hopeless is this whole thing with Bridget. I've become so goddamn stupid over her and I hate that. I feel like I should be able to say, "So what if she's leaving? There are a lot of things that you're looking for that she doesn't have anyway. You're only 18. I'm sure this is only the first of many relationships that you will pummel you're way through. There will be other girls." But I can't. Instead, I look at her and I think, "She's the best. I love her. I don't anyone else-- ever."

This whole thing is a really great B-movie plotline. Teenage lesbian attracts the attention of the straight good girl. Good girl takes a chance and falls in love. Copious amounts of flowery, sugar-coated, ubercutesy feel good moments result. And then the twist: the two are torn apart both by distance once the good girl leaves for school and by ridiculously high expectations placed on the good girl. And the viewer suddenly begins to feel the tingle of despair. Will this be the end of their picturesque puppy love? The laws of American movies dictate that after half an hour of downward spiraling on the parts of both characters concluding in a tear-filled, dramatic climax, the good girl would find within herself the determination and strength to take charge of her life, which means coming home where she belongs and loving her girl freely and openly.

[wistful sigh] Feels good, doesn't it?

Not gonna fucking happen. And this is why I'm despairing. I started crying last night and she told me that it was going to be okay because it wasn't like she was falling off the face of the earth. And this is true, but not good enough. I feel like once she's gone, that's it. It's as good as done with. And even if it's not done with right away and we allow it to wither away at a painfully slow pace (which is exactly what will happen) I will still want to see her everyday and want to be with her all the time and just want to have her close to me. And I'll be denied all of that. And I'm sure the final blow for this whatever-the-hell-it-is relationship that we have brewing is going to be something really fucking swell. She'll leave me for some drunken frat boy. (I'm convinced that there will have to be a boy at some point in time for her to finally realize that she was destined to be with ladies, and only ladies.) Or she'll cut off all contact with me because it's the only way to keep her evil fucking friends from being pissed off all the time. Or her parents will find out and then she'll stop calling me because her mommy says she can't kiss girls.

I just feel like Bridget is the only good thing that's happened to me in I-don't-know-how-long and it's way too soon to have to give that up. I feel like I'm being cheated and I hate everyone and everything right now because of it.

My ranting failed to deliver it's usual amount of reprieve from emotional distress. Goddamnit.

And there are entirely too many hyphens in this entry.

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