That was part of the guava goddess' response to a past entry of mine called 'goddamn queers.' And it summarizes exactly what I was trying to get at.

In the same entry, guava mentioned that I was "notoriously harsh" and those two little words sort of tripped me up when I was reading through it. And there was a thirty second period were I was mildly offended and then all the little tidbits of thought processed and everything made sense. Anna as palepurple stomping about in the big fucking dland is a harsh bitch. Done and done. There's no denying that. The harshness of these entries has got me in a shitload of trouble before. And even if I was in the same room as you were, I still can't say that I wouldn't come across as being harsh. Because everytime I open my mouth to tell a story, I speak with razor blades. I trash people like no other. But there's a sort of art to my trashing because I'm not just talking about anything-- I'm talking about the truth. When I say some guy's an asshole, it's because he's a bad person, but instead of simply saying he's a bad person, I throw out some little anecdote, brimming with sarcasm and disgust, and make his bad qualities so huge that everyone can see them. I make the subtle obvious. It's a sort of hyperbolic truth. But the why is more important. Why do I share my thoughts and experiences with such negativity and caddiness? Because when I'm face to face with someone I despise, I don't do a goddamn thing but act the way I'm supposed to. People who don't really know me think I am the nicest fucking girl they've met. I do everything in my power not to piss people off. I hate confrontation. People deal out shit and I take it. So they deal more and I take it and I take it and I take it and I take it and I never say 'enough.' And it builds and it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and it makes me wary of everyone around me. So when I write and when tell stories (I don't think I ever just talk-- I have to make everything a story) that's what gets channeled. And if I didn't channel that, I'd go insane. Or become my father.

In between allowing myself to be treated like shit and reaping my own revenge upone the world, I spend most of my time pouring out unbridled adoration for the people that I love and thinking about how wonderful it would be if I could protect them all from everything that's ugly in the world. And it just gets frustrating, because so much seems to be getting uglier and uglier.

I just want to clarify that I did not write this to defend myself or anything. I'm just relaying an episode of self-revelation brought about by another's observation. So thanks.

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