Because I think that's what was kicking my ass and had me in such a rut. On top of the ache of having Bridget leave (which is an unaviodable, omnipresent force in my life right now-- that's just the way it goes) I was letting myself flip out everytime I heard about the things she is doing and the people she is meeting and all the rest of the good things going on that you would think I would be happy about. Because I felt like since she is experiencing what I perceived to be more interesting, stimulating things and people that she was distracted from how hard it is to be away from each other. So while I got to hear about her having fun, I was sitting on my ass doing a whole lot of nothing and just suffering more than necessary and resenting the fact that she wasn't just suffering and miserable right along with me.

I think it was sort of a 'dad' moment where I wanted-- no, better yet, expected-- someone else to bring me my happiness instead of getting off my lazy ass and getting it for myself. And when no one else delivered what I wanted, I expected everyone else to wallow in my misery with me. No one else needs to be standing in my shit. I don't need to be standing in my shit.

I told some girl I'd do a monologue and my whole mindset changed. If I send my mom a letter, that's another weight that would be lifted. If I just write a little bit more, I'd feel better. If I was a little more open, my perception of other people would change. It's not impossible to feel more positive about myself and my life-- it isn't even that hard. I just haven't been trying.

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