I think that when I talk about Bridget or when I think about her, the subject of those thoughts is really more of a sensationalized concept of who she is rather than what she is in actuality. Because she's a great person. She is genuinely nice and she's funny and she is far more concious of the way in which she affects the people around her than anyone else I've known. But she lacks an essential characteristic that I can't really name, other than to say that it's a sort of "wreckless abandon" of spirit. The people that I'm generally drawn to and really connect with seem to all have a sort of Overman mentality, taking things in with a fiercely critical eye and refusing to be defined by everyone else. And that's not the mindset that Bridget embodies. She is not the least bit morbid. She is neither conceited nor self-deprecating. She watches what she says. She'd never dabble in S&M. There is nothing she hates more than to piss people off. She eats well. She's always clean. She's not a dreamer. She's safe and she likes being that way. And that's what bothers me the most about her. And so when I'm around her, and this is something that I was concious of even when we were still dating, I switch into 'safe' mode, too, and that's when I feel like my brain is being sucked out. I just feel like there's an air of delicacy that surrounds her and that she needs to be protected from me, and so all I did when we were together was try to build a cushion of superficial bullshit around my exterior to make myself safer for her. And I did it tonight in the dumbest fucking ways. Like when I was telling her about how incredibly erotic Janis Joplin's "Summertime" is, and I stopped myself mid-explanation, because I thought 'Don't make her talk about sex.'

I think this means I may honestly be over her . . . but I've said that before, so I'm not attaching any sort of guarantee to it.

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