So I stayed with my mom until midnight consoling her and trying to give her some sort of insight into his fucked up mindset. And she's worried that I'll stop talking to her on principle, out of some kind of blood-based loyalty. And then Erica emailed me asking me if we could still have a relationship, and if not, that was okay? It breaks my heart. I'm not playing sides. And it makes me feel like I haven't done enough to make them realize that they are my family. I can't even think of my mom as being my step-mom or as Erica and Lauren as my being my step-sisters, because they transcend that. They mean the world to me and even I know that they deserve better than my father.

This is his easy way out, and I hate him for that. Because he's not happy, he's going to reject everything that our family has been through together for the past six years, and move off by himself with my brother and they'll have a swell fucking time in their mid-life crisis bachelor pad. Meanwhile, my mother will be left with four kids-- two adolescents and two in daycare-- and a mortgage while making a good $15,000 less than my dad. But he still thinks he's being a good guy. And the good guy bit worked for him the last time he pulled this shit, but I don't think anyone is going to buy it this time. He's in a very shaky place right now, and he doesn't have a fucking clue.

I woke up to a knock on my door this morning and there was my dad, classified ads in hand, saying "Anna, I don't know what I'm doing." And so I let him use the phone and helped him wade through the ads and figured out where places were located, helped him fill out the goddamn application and paid his fucking security deposit for him necause he is so stupid and impulsive that he left without any money.

I want so badly to think that he is a good person, or at least that this has been a bad period in his life that he's just working to recover from. But I can't think that any more. He is a pathetic, broken man and he's thrown away every good thing that he's ever had. I'm disgusted. But I'm wiping his nose and patting him on the head and telling him that I'm right here in case he gets hurt playing with the big boys.

Ellen told me that I need to move far enough away and let the distance excuse me from these sort of obligations. I think there is some sort of merit there.

The one point in my day when I smiled was when Kyle came through my line at work to buy a box of Special K. Whilst grinning ear to ear, he told me he would have to call me about Friday night at Perkins, only to be disappointed when I told him Friday was the Ben Folds concert in Milwaukee. But I convinced him to listen to some of his stuff and consider going, especially since it was so reasonably priced.

He also turned my bitchy frown upside down when he showed up at Perkins last Friday. And when I asked him how work had gone he shrugged and said, "You know, just another day slaving for the man."

So fucking adorable. If he was a girl . . .

Question: Was it inappropriate of me to combine these two topics in one entry?

Actually, I think it's just a reflection of where I stand with this whole thing-- I'm certainly affected, but I'm not emmersed in it. I moved out at the right fucking time, for sure.

last - next