So the most "exciting" event to transpire in my life in the ten days since my last update was the phone call that I got from my dad in which he, among other things, blamed me for himself being held accountable for his less than honourable actions and questioned my character and informed me that my anger towards him is unjustified. Why? Because he's a selfish fucking dick who thinks of nothing but feeding his own ego and convincing himself that he's twenty shades of wonderful. And I don't know what made me think that I was somehow exempt from having to take the brunt of his shit, but clearly I'm not. I should have known. Whatever. When I talk about it and write about it, the whole thing doesn't seem like a big deal, but the truth is that I have never been so hurt in my entire life and I have never felt worse about myself.

I think what really kicks my ass about the whole deal is that I have always been the one-- most of the time the only one-- in my family who really believed that this was just a personal crisis. I was the one who kept telling everybody that he would snap out of it and make shit right again and finally be happy and allow the people around him to be happy too. I was the one who kept telling my mom that underneath all of his bullshit, he was really an amazing guy. And he made look like an ass for that becuase I was wrong and he did a hell of a job proving it.

My dad has meant more to me for my entire life than anyone else. In fact, he is the only person who has been around since the day I was born. And I feel like that phone call was him just giving me the finger. It's not okay. And I don't really feel okay right now either.

last - next