I'm listening to "Dilate" right now. It's not my favorite Ani album, and I certainly don't think it's her best, but it was the first one that I ever bought and it was exactly what I needed at that exact point in my life. So it's become comfort music. I know every word to every song and even the angry songs are soothing. And I'm listening to it right now because comfort is what I need.

I went out to see my mom thinking that she and my sisters would be able to lift the bricks from my chest and allow me to breath again, but I was nothing short of disappointed. But then on the way home, I realized what was really going on and it finally occurred to me that what I really need to do is regroup.

I tend to approach everything in my life as if I am a warrior of sorts, which I know may sound incredibly corny (it honestly sounds pretty stupid and potentially cliche to me), but it's the best way that I can describe it. I don't aim to just get through things; I rampage and do my best to kick it all straight in the ass. I want to dominate and I want to triumph. And I'm not talking about taking over the world or reigning supreme over anyone or anything else. It's all far more intrinsic. Because I feel that I have no control over what is brought upon me by outside forces-- natural, human or otherwise. I can only control my reaction to what happens to me. And beyond that, I believe that no matter who is in my life and what role they might play, I am ultimately alone in taking all of those things on and in both determining and carrying out my reactions. If I just wade through things, just "get by," then I relinquish what little control I do have and resign myself to the mercy of everything and everyone else in the world. But if I take thigns head on and fight to assert my control with everything that I have, then I can dominate over those things that are hell bent on dominating me. It's a matter of perserverance.

But I haven't been fighting for myself lately. Instead, I have been hurt and I have ignored it. I have been pulled down and I have been waiting for someone else to pull me back up. And waiting is nothing but a waste of my time, because I have to get up myself. And then I have to identify exactly what it is that's kicking at my knees and force it face down in the gravel and then give it a sweet "Fuck you." And so when I say that I need to regroup, what I mean is that I need to summon up all of my strength and poise and calm and remind myself that being a victim is not acceptable.

And I think a lot of altruistic idiots would say that this is a cold and ruthless life philosophy. But when it comes down to it, we're all just animals, and if you're not watching your back, you're going to be eaten. And that doesn't mean that I'm not happy or that I'm living a dark, hopeless life. It simply means that I don't expect anyone or anything to spare me it's worst and I certainly don't expect anyone else to be responsible for me.

I call it realistic. But maybe that's just my own euphimism for cold and hardened.

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