I need my space.

Which also goes to say that I have decided against finding a roommate. My rationale behind the roommate thing was that if I, by chance, started dating someone, it would never work out because I wouldn't have enough time. And that thought really depressed me for about three days. But then I realized that this four-year period when I am going to be mercilessly busting my ass is (hopefully) only going to be a mere twentieth of my entire life. So fucking what if I'm not sacrificing everything under the sun for some other idiot. It's not like it sounds that appealing to me, anyway. And saying that is not a defense mechanism for what society seems to perceive to be the destitute nature of aloneness. (Notice I didn't say 'loneliness.') Our culture is so damn "love" saturated that I can hardly stand it anymore. Which is not to say that I'm tired of hearing about certain things that have been happening or that I'm anything less than happy for all of my friends who are in good relationships. What I'm sick of is this fucked up idea, that seems to be spoonfed to girls from the time their able to blink, that our ultimate purpose in life is to find someone else. If we needed another person to survive, we would have been born in pairs. But we weren't. Love and relationships are a choice, not a purpose and real satisfaction does exist outside all this sticky-sweet romantic bullshit. What I'm really tired of is the fact that all of the girls that I tutor only write about their fucking boyfriends. (Mind you, not one of the guys that I've worked with has written about his girlfriend. Apparently, they're allowed to think about other things.) What I'm really tired of is every fucking song and every fucking movie has to be dripping with love story-ooze. What I'm really tired of is the fact that everytime I talk to my dad, he asks me if I'm dating anyone, but never what I think about the world.

I have a hell of a lot more to say about this, but I'll expound later when I have the energy to be angry.

Erica and I watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" last night. Well, Erica played with the cats and then fell asleep while I watched the movie. Whatever. Kyle gave it a "good, but not great" which I, of course disagree with. I loved it. Despite the recurring Nietzsche quote, it made me think of Bergson, who said that at any moment, our psychological state is composed of all the life we have lived up until that point, plus whatever it is that the particular moment adds. So we are incapable of predicting the future at all because we have to be in the moment, with all of our experience up to that point as our foundation, to not only know what we feel, but to essentially feel that way in the first place. The movie just made me think that you really couldn't erase these peoples' memories and not change the nature of their psyche--you could only possibly cloud over those memories. And I wouldn't say that it was fate (a concept which I think is bullshit anyway) brought Joel and Clementine back to the beach, and essentially back to each other, but rather a subconcious desire to fill the void of whatever had been clouded over. Or not. Whatever. Regardless, Bergson rocks my world. Who would have thought that I would get into metaphysics?

I'm fucking tired.

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