just fucking charming

2005-12-02
8:25 p.m.

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Last 5 entries:
Sleep was ultimately more important - 2005-12-22
This shit is burnt - 2005-12-21
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So, life is really kind of kicking my ass right now. I have absolutely no motivation and a mile-long list of shit that needs to get done, resulting in a feeling of near-defeat. I'm down, but I'm not sure yet if it's for the count. It seems sort of understated to say that it's purely a motivational problem. Because once I finally get myself situated to start getting things done, it's like I hit a wall. It is no longer a matter of "don't want to" but "can't." It's weird becuase it seems like I should be able to get myself to do the shit that I need to do, but I'm mired. It's like when you keep pulling the damn cord on the lawn mower but it still won't start so you keep pulling harder and faster, but nothing helps. At what point does the cord break so that you're really fucked?

It's Friday night and I am in the computer lab at school trying to beat out a paper on Reservation Blues that is due in 3 1/2 hours. I have an introduction, an outline and an intense desire to crawl in bed and stay there for the next week. By the end of this weekend, I also need to have written another paper, a resume and finished my application for Japan. I also have an appointment to finish getting that damn independent writing publication together. Plus work.

I know that I'm in bad shape when I am aware that I am going to end up handing this fucking paper in late and I don't really give a fuck at all.

Primal scream therapy with a side of chocolate ice cream, please.

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